Love’s Dynamic

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In both Latin and Greek the word for friend is closely aligned with the word I love. In the English language the primary definition of friend is someone you know, like and trust. So “This is my friend” is not just an introduction, but an affirmation. It says that two individuals have formed a bond by choice; have invested the time and attention necessary to sustain that choice; and have built the all-important component of trust.

The above is one definition. Another definition is simply having a comfort zone with another person for sharing. The sharing can be an activity, a mutual interest, deep conversation or just the day-to-day trivia over a cup of coffee. The key component is the freedom for each person to be themselves in a given situation. The person you play ball with is a lot of fun, but it wouldn’t cross your mind to share anything personal. Another friend is a great conversationalist, but isn’t in the least interested in how your last game went. The point is that each person is made up of many parts and we connect with different people for different reasons. It is rare that one person is all things to another person.

A good example of that last statement is the relationship I have with my husband, who I count as my best friend. We do most everything together and discuss a wide range of topics with comfort. But then he will start talking about something mechanical and my brain shuts off. Other times I will want to talk about something I’m ‘feeling’ and I can see his eyes glaze over. It’s not that we don’t want to understand, we do, it’s just that our brains our wired differently. In fact, there is such a difference between the way a man and woman think it is a wonder our species has managed to survive.

Having friends outside the family circle impacts our sense of self. The impact can be great or small and varies depending on the stage of life and an individual’s own personality. For some, making and maintaining friendships that last for years is easy and natural. For others, particularly those who are shy or socially inept, making friends is difficult, if not impossible. Like so much else in life, if you have something – love, good health, friends, money, security – little thought is given to it. It is when you don’t have it that the impact is most felt and missed.

Making friends is a rather peculiar aspect of being human. You can meet or have a nodding acquaintance with a hundred people and then just one will stand out as someone you want to get to know better. In the first few words exchanged there is a spark of recognition; a comfort zone that encourages the kind of conversation that explores mutual interests and kinship. That initial connection can be the first strands of a thick, unbreakable cable that stands the test of time and circumstance or it can be but the touch of a snowflake melting as it falls to earth. Each has their place in our growth and well being.

More times than I can count or even remember, I have met a ‘melting snowflake’ when an instant connection of mutual trust and sharing was made. Sometimes the sharing was for their benefit and sometimes for mine. There are people, known for just the briefest moment in time, who have had a huge impact on my life, changing the way I think. I have also known the unbreakable cable of friendship with my sister, Jane. I didn’t get to know Jane until I was eighteen, but despite opposite personalities – she was outgoing and gregarious; I was shy and introspective – we remained best friends until her death in 2000. We laughed at the same things, shared our innermost secrets and supported each other through the vagaries of life and relationships.

Friends in Like